I don’t remember how old I was when I became uninterested in celebrating my birthday. I know I used to get excited about the idea. As a kid, I loved the birthday parties my family put on me in the local park. My family rented out one of the picnic shelters. We invited all my school friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My dad and uncles grilled cheeseburgers and hotdogs. My mom made a cake, and we ate it with vanilla ice cream. My friends and cousins played on the playground equipment and played HORSE on the basketball courts.
Someone looking at this might say these activities weren’t memorable because my parties weren’t at a bowling alley, skating ring, Putt-Putt (miniature golf & arcade), or pony farm. I swear pony-themed birthday parties are a thing. I never cared about how much money my family spent on my parties. That didn’t factor into the greatness of these parties. We didn’t need these extra things to have fun and memorable parties.
There was one time my family did something extra for me. They hired Waffles The Clown to tell jokes and make animal balloons. I remember the clown was a disaster. The clown was manic, disheveled, and dressed up as what I would describe as a Raggedy Andy scarecrow. The clown made three balloon dogs and started crying. I remember the streaks in the clown’s white face makeup from the running tears. Then he called one of my school friends the “B” word. Not the first “B” word that popped into your mind, but the clown called her a brat. The whole display was quite bizarre. Even as a kid, I knew it.
Maybe the lousy clown fiasco was why my family didn’t do these extra things for my birthday. Like I said, I honestly really didn’t need them. Those birthdays in the park and with families and friends equaled great birthdays. So, my eventual attitude toward not celebrating my birthday definitely came much later after being a kid. My attitude may have changed because I stopped wanting that type of attention from people. Maybe it was just getting older. Perhaps I didn’t want to do small talk with the guests. Maybe I didn’t want to feel inclined to buy guests presents for their birthdays. Now that’s a joke. That’s a whole lot of maybes. How about we meet up for a birthday beer and not do anything where we smash a pinata in the backyard?
Isabella, my vampire girlfriend, entered my life after I reached the point of not wanting to make a big deal about my birthday. Which was too bad, because she really loved all birthday things. She loved party planning, tacky party balloons filled with helium, watching individuals blow out cake candles, playing pin the tail on the donkey, loud party favors, and you get the point.
Every year, she wanted to make a fuss about my birthday. She would bring it up months before the actual day. Then I told her that I didn’t want any of that. We would go out for dinner somewhere, which was great and memorable.
If I were her, I would’ve quit offering. I didn’t deserve it. I consistently told her no, and she always respected my wishes not to celebrate my birthday. I had the love of my life wanting to do these nice things for me, and I was an absolute jackass about it.
One year, I turned a somewhat significant age. Isabella told me to shove it that year and that she was throwing me a party whether I liked it or not.
The deliberation for this party was ongoing. I was very bullish about the whole thing. Exhausting as I was, Isabella wasn’t going to give up. She was resilient. I must reiterate that I was an absolute jackass about my birthday and didn’t deserve any of it. We finally agreed on only a tiny
shindig of finger foods and no presents. She was ecstatic about the party even though I had dwindled her scope and vision for my party.
Claudio lived all over the world, but he stayed at the SKY Tower in Charlotte. I guess being Zues’s son had its perks. The SKY Tower was the second tallest skyscraper in the Uptown Charlotte skyline. The lower half of the building contained restaurants, shops, and various offices, while the upper half contained expensive condos. He was more than happy to let us have my birthday shindig at his place.
I knew that Claudio stayed at the SKY Tower, but I didn’t think he stayed in the penthouse until my birthday. My half-god friend had to give the SKY Tower security desk a party guest list to grant us access to the elevator. Everyone had to present their IDs to the security guard to prove we were on the list. The penthouse was a long elevator ride up over forty floors. The elevator doors opened to a short hallway that led to the most astounding condominium.
The last time I was in such a fancy residence (before the SKY Tower penthouse) was at Luvon and Leena Biafynder’s lake house.
The penthouse was luxurious, upscale, and massively open. Someone hired a professional to decorate the walls with mirrors, ancient swords and shields, and several life-size paintings of the Greek Gods. I felt emasculated standing beside the Zues painting. The ceilings must’ve been twelve feet tall. The flooring was some sort of dark hardwood. The kitchen had quartz counters and stainless steel appliances. Claudio’s penthouse had the biggest television I had ever seen. I teased Claudio that he should have us over every Sunday to watch Carolina Panthers games because this party happened after I stopped covering the Panthers for a major sports broadcaster.
I remember several large panes of glass that made up the opposite-facing wall. Part of that wall was a glass door that opened to the balcony, giving us an incredible view of the Charlotte skyline. One skyscraper seemed so close that I could’ve touched it. Too bad it was evening; I would’ve liked to have seen how far the view extended. I enjoyed how lovely the skyscrapers lit up at night. It was a good thing I’m not afraid of heights. I could see how someone on a high-up balcony could get anxious.
Even though we had to wait for the sun to go down, it was no surprise that we were the first ones there. I’ve seen the supernatural folk do some incredible things, but being early or on time is not on that list. And everyone we invited was a supernatural folk. Because of that, I didn’t know when everyone would start showing up.
“Welcome to your birthday in the SKY,” Claudio gave my vampire girlfriend and me one of his hearty welcomes. He was in a jovial mood. He usually lifted me with a strong bear hug off the ground, but this time he made each of us ballroom dance with instead. He added some twirling to his dance with Isabella. I didn’t mind. I was just glad he didn’t twirl me.
“Damn, Claudio? How much ambrosia and nectar have you had already?” I asked him.
“I’ve only had a few gold cups,” he said, but I didn’t know how many ounces of God juice that equaled.
Then, the party grew from three to four when Panora appeared in the kitchen with two flutes of champagne. She told me happy birthday and handed me one of the champagnes. I told her, “Thank you.” Then she stepped over her demi-god boyfriend and whispered something into his ear. He was now wearing what I would describe as a Christmas wreath on his head.
Where did she come from, and when did he put that on his head? I never worked either out. I know she wasn’t in the condo when we arrived and didn’t ride the elevator with Gnome Gary (party of five). Maybe both she and that hat thingy have teleportation powers. I mean, both were citizens of Olympia.
I didn’t even know Gary was coming to the party until I saw Isabella talking down to someone in front of the television—not in a condescending way, but because she’s way taller than Gary. I didn’t see him until I walked around the couches. He was wearing a tartan tweed jacket and his signature aviator sunglasses there. Gnome’s eyes are very sensitive to light.
Before we shook hands, he said some words to me in his native tongue that translated roughly to “I’m glad the Earth has blessed you with many treasures this past life cycle.” It was the gnome way of wishing someone a happy birthday. It was great to see him. I hadn’t seen him since he moved to Florida.
Later, we were gathered in the kitchen when the outside balcony door swung open. What the hell, we thought. I saw Isabella’s fangs come out of her mouth, and then she dashed toward the balcony. I panicked because it looked like she was preparing for a battle. Claudio and Panora ripped weapons off the wall and were preparing for a throwdown.
It was too dark outside to make what was happening on the balcony. I only heard what sounded like awful animal growls and snarls. I didn’t know where Claudio and Panora went. They were gone. Gary wrapped himself around my waist. Gnomes are fearful creatures. He was terrified. I was equally terrified. The noises stopped. I yelled out to Isabella, but all I heard was Gary’s huffing.
Then, something launched Isabella inside the condo. Her body slammed onto the floor and slid into the bookcases. I wasn’t sure how injured she was. It all happened so quickly. I yelled out, but there was no response. I grabbed a cutting knife from the counter and prepared for the worst.
Then, something bolted inside the condo and landed on the kitchen counter in front of Gary and me. It had red eyes and was wrapped in a black cloak. It growled and snarled at us like the awful noises I heard coming from the dark balcony, causing my fear levels to be in the red.
“I want to suck your blood and wish you a happy birthday,” it said in a horrible Eastern European accent. Then Vincent Ortega (the vampire) lowered his black cloak to reveal that he dressed up like a vampire from an old black-and-white horror film. He slicked back his hair, did his face with white makeup, and even wore cheap plastic vampire teeth like kids did on Halloween. That’s how the sixth guest arrived at my birthday party.
Everyone except Gary and I were in on the joke. The others laughed at us in the kitchen. I started pissed about the whole thing but then found it hilarious. The supernatural folk have an off-color sense of humor. I dipped my toes in this type of humor dating a will-of-the-wisp and was submerged in it dating a vampire.
It didn’t take me long to calm down once I got some of my fury out. Cursing Vincent and stabbing the charcuterie board with the knife helped me get that anger better.
About thirty to forty-five minutes later, the next two guests arrived at the condo. The owners of the Earl Grey Wolf showed up with expressos, cold coffees, muffins, and macaroons. The middle-aged werewolf couple’s arrival was more of a surprise than Gnome Gary’s. I had seen them two days prior, and neither said anything about attending the party.
They didn’t stay long, and it’s not because Isabella and Vincent were there. The legend about werewolves and vampires being mortal enemies is not true. True, some of them didn’t get along, but that was more of a personality clash. The entertainment industry also invented that legend for movies and comic books. They only stayed an hour because they had to open the coffee shop early.
They were very kind with the coffee and sweets, which provided a nice break from all the alcohol, salty snacks, and cured meat.
Isabella did a fantastic job with the party. My hats off to her. The evening turned out to be one of my top birthdays. I can admit now that the party was better than the ones I had as a kid at the picnic shelters. I missed my family and friends from back home, but the most important people in my life in North Carolina showed up for me. That meant a lot. Except for Vincent’s joke, the night was perfect.
Then, one more unexpected thing happened that night.
We all looked at each other when the doorbell rang. It was late—maybe 11 or 11:30. Everyone who came knew that the door would be unlocked and to let themselves in. Isabella said that she hadn’t invited anyone else. Claudio shrugged and went to open the door. We were all big-eyed to see it was Leena Biafynder.
“Sorry for showing up uninvited like this,” I overheard Leena Biafynder say before Claudio invited her to the party. Then I overheard Panora ask Isabella, “What is she doing here?”
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